Humourous Books: Keeping Up Appearances

Humourous Books

“Keeping Up Appearances” by Roy Clarke and Jonathan Rice

(also known as “Hyacinth Bucket’s Book of Etiquette for the Socially Less Fortunate”)

Based on episodes of the hilarious English sitcom, “Keeping Up Appearances”: the book format uses the lead character, Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced “Bouquet” for the socially less informed), social-climbing creature from hell, as the authoress of this book as she gladly dispenses advice to readers eager to learn the ropes on attaining higher social status. In addition to Hyacinth, other characters in the book to whom she refers include family members, neighbours, public servants, those further ahead on the social ladder, and presumed enemies (notice the absence of the word “friends”).

Like many of the episodes, Hyacinth tries desperately to avoid mixing some of her laid-back, working-class family members with those she is trying desperately (and foolishly) to impress.  Those family members include her sister Rose (always on the lookout to catch a new man – reflected in her dress code), another sister Daisy and Daisy’s husband Onslow whose casual outlook and lifestyle are a total contrast to those of Hyacinth.  Her likeable husband, Richard, seems to have the ability to endure much mental torture.  And the book joyfully includes amusing photos such as those of next-door neighbour Elizabeth who, in various still shots, shows a look of terror whenever she is in the home (and presence) of Hyacinth.

While older televised episodes are recalled during the short chapters, the reader gets the addition of Hyacinth’s hilarious inner thoughts that display her usual pretense (expressed with superb British wit), and naïveté.  While this is a spoiler, read ahead for some of the best quotes (all from Hyacinth unless otherwise stated):

“My family and neighbours may from time to time stray from the highest levels of social etiquette, but I and my Royal Doulton tableware will not.”

“’What is the main difference in style and attitude between those members of the Avenue set and mere ordinary folk?’ asks a correspondent, on heavily scented vellum notepaper, the smell of which is perhaps just a little too forthright to stay within the bounds of good taste.”

To her brother-in-law Onslow:  “I’m sorry you have a mosquito bite but its location is really none of my business despite our being related by marriage.”

“I cannot tolerate people who try to pretend they are superior.  It makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.”

“Richard, you know I love my family, but that’s no reason why I should have to acknowledge them in broad daylight.”

A caption under a photo of her niece, Stephanie (daughter of Daisy and Onslow):  “Stephanie with baby Kylie and, perhaps, Kylie’s father”

Regarding her naïve outlook about her son, Sheridan: 

• “As a baby, his musical appreciation was extraordinary.  Even as a tiny child, when I sang, it could reduce him to tears.”
• “My Sheridan has promised his mummy not to get involved with girls while he is in higher education, and neither he nor his friend Tarquin ever seem to bother with the opposite gender.”
• “When young Sheridan had measles, when he was but a baby of nine…..”

“On his income, I can’t understand how they can afford to be burgled.  Quite honestly in their circumstances, I think it’s a mite pretentious for them to be burgled.”

“Elizabeth emerged onto her front doorstep wearing her candlewick dressing gown, which I must admit I consider to be a little scantily dressed for the great outdoors, and with so many degenerates about these days.”

“How quickly people become lost for words when confronted by their social superiors!”

“Her name begins with a handful of letters which would cause any self-respecting Scrabble player to take up bridge”

“It is astonishing how people who have inherited large houses never seem to have inherited any decent clothes to go with them.”

“’Hallo Hyacinth,’ [said Onslow] with a smile bigger than any I have seen him with since String Vest won the 3:15 at Haydock some time in 1983.”

“As I may have mentioned before, I expect people to assume that I was born into the candlelight-supper class.”

“Mrs. Councillor Nugent is a force in the community dedicated to the suppression of excessive romantic behaviour.”

“I cannot believe Onslow’s subconscious views early retirement as a monster, especially when he himself has embraced the idea from the day he left school.”

Onslow: “I’m still running things through my biological computer”; Daisy: “Let’s hope you don’t have another power failure.”

“It is quite unforgivable of any man married to a lady of substance such as myself to admit to not liking golf.”

“Golf is the perfect sporting activity, creating plenty of opportunity for social advancement, without causing more perspiration than is absolutely necessary.”

“To me, horticulture at its highest is like music, except for the manure, of course.”

“Onslow had turned up, as usual, hardly dressed for the occasion.  In fact, he had turned up, as  usual, hardly dressed.”

On her sister Rose:  “I cannot believe any good will come to somebody who is still wearing last night’s little black outfit and nine-thirty in the morning.”

Of course, I recommend seeing episodes of the series whenever you get the chance.  A personal favourite is the one in which Hyacinth was expecting a delivery of a three-piece furniture set (that was an exact replica of one at Sandringham House).  She was zealously intent that the delivering truck had a royal seal on both sides!  And the best line I recall was when the family was at a church function and Rose was dressed like she was in a pickup bar.  Hyacinth said, “Rose, for heaven’s sake, pull down your skirt!  You’re bound to have us all ex-communicated.”

The book is a great read for our current miserable times.

RATING (out of four stars):   * * * 1/2